Originally I planned to post a pilot blog to test the waters. I thought to title the blog Random Thoughts and then Mr. Robin Williams allegedly committed suicide. The reported cause, Depression. My levity subsided and I decided to share my more serious thoughts.
It was a warm summer night, late. I sat on my front porch in my nightgown rocking like so many mentally ill patients with whom I had worked. What is the best way to go down Rosecrans to get as far away from my home without encountering the police? I knew they would pick me up and bring me home or to the police station and then home for indecent exposure. I didn’t want to embarrass my family. I just wanted to relieve them of my presence. You see Depression had convinced me that they would be better off without me. I couldn’t kill myself while my husband was at work because I had a new born with me. It had to be while my husband was home but asleep. If I killed myself it had to happen away from the house. This was my problem that night. My husband found me on the porch and just wrapped his arms around me. I don’t remember him saying anything. I just remember his arms. At first I wanted to run but I just settled into his arms and cried. Eventually we talked and I told him what I was feeling and thinking. He said he knew something was wrong but did not know how to help me. He feared coming home and finding me dead. He felt helpless and hurt.Together we realized I was depressed, very depressed.
Depression is a very serious mental dis-ease that can lead to many destructive situations. I have experienced the darkness of depression. I call it darkness because during that time I felt that I was in a dark pit looking out at everyone else living happy lives. The funny thing is I watched myself on the outside living with them. I looked normal to me. I looked happy to me, but I knew it was not true. The worst part, I knew something was wrong but I did not know that I was depressed. It took a while but with the support of my husband and my God, I climbed out of that pit. Now I am very vigilant over my thoughts and emotions.
Depression destroys you and those who love you. Depression is sneaky and has a strong grip. I found facing the issues in my life openly and honestly with myself and someone I trusted aided the healing process. Our minds are powerful but fragile. Don’t be afraid or too proud to admit you need help. Mental dis-ease is not a declaration of a character flaw. I was blessed to be helped by my husband and the reminder of who I was in God. I had to tell myself daily who God said I was. However, if I had needed professional help, I would have asked for it.
People don’t let pride kill you. Please don’t let pride cause you to kill someone else. If you feel down; if you feel emotionally and mentally fatigued and a cloud of darkness seems to be enveloping you, GET HELP!
I don’t know what Mr. Williams was going through. I can only speak about my experience but learn from both of us. If you have these or similar thoughts and feelings tell someone. Call your Pastor, a friend or local Department of Mental Health if you can’t talk to family. Don’t let Depression win by allowing it to ruin your life.