I Remember That Night

Yesterday, I felt the lonliness and foreboding reflected in hsteinhayer101’s post  This Is Really Bad.  The story was told so well that I felt I was there. The “not knowing what to do” and the danger of making the wrong choice touched me. Her situation was far more serious and intense but her words took me back to my front porch over 30 years ago. My world was dark and lonely. It should have been one of the happiest times of my life. I had a newborn son, a wonderful husband and a helpful daughter. Nevertheless, my world was dark and lonely. The one overshadowing thing about depression is feeling all alone. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was suffering from Postpartum Depression. I just knew I wanted to end my life because for some reason I thought my family would be better off without me.

hsteinhayer101’s decision was choosing the correct place to sit. My decision was which direction to run that would guarantee getting far away to kill myself or be killed. I lived near two very busy streets that had a lot of traffic. A woman walking down the street in a thin nightgown would draw attention. It sounds silly now but that night I would have appeared to be a runaway from a mental asylum and the police would have picked me up. My husband found me and held me. I didn’t even know how to accept that at first. I felt he had spoiled my plans. When you are depressed and in that deep. dark place all you see is how good ending it all would be.

So many of us suffer from mental dis-ease and don’t realize it. We don’t consider depression from job loss or grief from a death mental dis-ease but it is. It may not last long or be as intense as others that cause them to seek escape in drugs or the control from another person.

I thank my husband and my Lord for bringing me through that time. The shadows of depression still linger just on the outskirts of my consciousness but I recognize it. It will not conquer me.


3 thoughts on “I Remember That Night

  1. As I read your thoughts on “I Remember That Night”, it came to me that each of us has a terrifying story tucked away, perhaps forgotten for years. While reading your words I could feel a natural pull toward that thing we call womanhood.
    Although my circumstances were totally different, they were the same by universal standards. I had given birth to my first child on the very day that my father was in another hospital, just one county over, being told of his impending death. I had no help with a newborn since my mother was naturally unearthed and trying to hold things together for my Dad.
    My father collapsed the morning that my daughter was to be blessed by the Church. He went into the hospital never to walk out again. I remember, like it was yesterday, all the stupid things that people said to me. The big one was “The Lord giveth and he taketh away”. It seemed to me that they were some how telling me that because my daughter came she was
    to replace my Father. I was so emotionally distressed at his funeral that I didn’t react at the time to those remarks.
    Months later, as I was home alone with a new baby, the words came creeping in. Slowly at first and then in a silent scream. I had the presence of mind to call a retired neighbor of mine and ask him to please come to the house. He came without question and sat with the baby. I honestly felt that I might hurt her. I may very well injure an innocent baby. I returned home after a short walk and called the Dr. and got an appointment right away.
    I can not say for sure that it was depression, grief, guilt that was unwarranted. I’ll never know.
    I think that all I do know is that most women have a unique story.

    Liked by 1 person

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