God didn’t we do this already? Thought I had learned this lesson. When you lose everything except your family and your life, you learn humility. At least I thought that is what I learned. See now I have to get the definition of humility. Maybe that is not what I was learning at all.The definition I found for humility is being modest or having a low view of your own importance. That doesn’t sit well with me. It kind of sounds like to have humility is to believe your are not worth anything. I like better the biblical definition. Humility seems to be described as not being arrogant or prideful. When you lose everything there is very little to be prideful about. So what lesson am I learning.
During my husband’s Los Angeles hospital stay, I was in a car accident that totaled my car. I had to rely on others to get me to the hospital cross town. Losing my independence made it very clear. I never learned to rely on other people the way that I have had to do in this last few weeks. It was very difficult to ask people to drive me to the hospital or grocery store or even to the post office. I felt I was imposing on their time and schedules. The most recent and hard hitting part of this lesson was to find out people loved me enough to give so generously. I knew they loved my husband like that but I never believed I was a significant part of that equation. One of my church sisters’ words hit me in the back of my head (she was sitting behind me when she spoke). She said
“I am blessed that you allowed us to help.” Wham!
I allowed you to help and you feel blessed.
The next blow to my emotions came when I received gifts as a result of my daughter’s fundraising efforts to purchase a vehicle. I don’t know who gave but there are two that I never would have expected sent gifts. The last powerful blow came when some friends assisted in purchasing my new car. I won’t go into details because they want to remain anonymous but suffice it to say, it was way beyond anything I would have expected to be done for me. Accepting their gift was humbling but it was more than that. I was opening up to receive God’s love through two of His children and I was allowing them the opportunity to share His love.
This was the real life expression of God keeping His word that if you give, He would give back to you in “good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over shall men (people) give into your bosom.” That has certainly happened to me and I am still overwhelmed. I feel like I have been run over by an 18 wheeler loaded with love.
I guess my humility lesson is learning how to receive through people what God has promised. To everyone who has blessed us, who has loved us
This morning I awakened with thoughts on some things I was experiencing and how those same things were perceived by those around me. I realized my behavior was based on what God said and not what I saw. I had finally matched my behavior with my belief and found only a few people would understand. As I pondered this revelation about myself, my definition of Faith began to form.
Faith is living in a space where
- the impractical becomes what is practical;
- the unrealistic becomes what is realistic and real;
- the impossible becomes what is possible;
- the limited becomes what is unlimited, the boundaries of possibilities are removed.
Faith allows you to fly free expecting everything to happen in ways you never thought. Is that what the scripture that says
But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”— these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 (ESV)
means? I am excited to see what God has prepared for me and my husband and those who are living or learning to live in the Faith Space.
I feel like a bird must feel when it takes flight and sees well beyond the limited view it previously had. In the Faith Space the only boundary is God and I can’t even imagine what He has prepared. He even said that His thoughts are not my thoughts. So from my puny perspective there are no boundaries only exciting experiences.
The fear of the unknown is slowly being replaced with the excited expectation of God doing the impossible and revealing to me what only can be seen “through the Spirit” in the Faith Space.
Many of you know that I am believing God for total healing and restoration for my husband. Everyday I see improvement where some others only see what has not improved. But God’s latest move is buying us a car. I left home planning to check out a certified used vehicle in my budget range. I prayed that God would slam the door shut and lock it on the vehicles that were not His choice. I walked away with a new vehicle, never owned by anyone at the same price of the used one. I never imagined. This is just one of the things He has prepared for us. My next adventure is discovering how God plans to pay for it because the previous source seems to be drying up but then even that might be a mirage in the Faith Space.
I now live in the realm of expectation called the Faith Space.
P.S. It is not always easy living in this space but it is never boring.
It has been almost two months since my husband’s heart attack. There have been so many life changing moments since that night. Each moment was a lesson in seeing through the lens of “Cause God Said So!”
One Specific Lesson Moment
I thought the hardest part was during the attacks. Little did I know the hardest times would be dealing with medical professionals. What made that so hard you might ask?
Yes, attitude; mine and theirs.
I have met some really great professionals during this journey and I am very grateful to them. But…
I have met some really arrogant “professionals.” Some doctors think their degree and training elevated them to a position higher than God. They believe they are infallible. They do not treat people but diseases. The most arrogant and collectively obnoxious was a skilled neurological team that did not see my husband the man but a specimen that needed to be commanded into some pre-defined category. They didn’t even regard the observations of the nurses on the team who were the front line for gathering intel. It never occurred to them that the person they were commanding was really manipulating them. Had they considered the man and the comments of the nurses, they would have known there was more to know.
These doctors decided that my husband’s mental condition was frail and we should accept that he is just barely above “vegetative” status. They said this in his presence. Now I must tell you that their job was to determine if he was mentally capable of understanding instructions to take care of a defibrillator implant. It turns out, he did not want the surgery. (He had a tracheotomy so he couldn’t verbally tell us) He decided to behave in a manner consistent with their findings when they came in to evaluate him. It became a very entertaining time for us and the nursing staff. We watched my husband transition from a very engaging, communicative, responsive man to a near zombie when they walked into the room. When they left, he returned to that communicative, responsive man. Now tell me, who was commanding whom?
My lesson was more about me than them. I wanted to tell them how arrogant they were. I wanted to remind them that they did not know everything and they should learn to listen to others. I wanted to remind them that they were just practicing and God was holding the deity spot for himself. That was what I wanted. God’s Spirit kept me quiet and showed me my unbecoming attitude. There was a better way to handle this. It came in the form of a survey.
More importantly, my attitude changed. I realized I could not change them in a state of anger. I realized I could not change them at all. That is God’s job. My job was to advocate for my husband with respect, God’s wisdom, firmness and love. It has been hard. I haven’t always succeeded but I am getting there.
I have so many more “moment” lessons to share but this one seems ongoing. I am sure it will pop up again. It is all about the attitude.