When Passion Dies
Your self Missing
Like arid desert roaming
One drop mirage to satisfy.
Interest, joy, purpose
locked away in the dark vault of
When Passion dies
Don’t let your Dreams die.
- What it really meant to walk by “faith and not by sight.” So often we spout those words so piously and we do not understand the depth that they take you or at least that was my experience. Often we have faith as long as we can think of a few options on our own just in case God takes too long. In these 5 months I had no options of my own. The doctors were not sure what was causing his tachycardia. Very few understood my hope of his healing mentally and physically. Most thought I was in denial and delusional. But I knew what God did that night and what it meant.
- That others would NOT understand and you might very well have to walk this journey alone.
- That blessings and support would come from the most unexpected places and unexpected ways.
- To question everything the doctors do. Research procedures and medications. Insert myself into their rounds. Demand explanations. Know what the drugs are, what they do and the side effects. It is your right and responsibility.
- The more specialized a doctor or department is the less likely they will communicate with other doctors unless you demand it.
- To LISTEN very carefully.
- To document what I heard. I must confess I learned to apply that later than I should have but do it.
- More about Kaiser Permenente system than I every thought I would need.
- God’s timing is perfect but not mine.
- How to be peaceful in a storm.
- What is important in life. My God, my loved ones. The rest is fluff and fill to make our lives more comfortable and enjoyable.
- To expectantly watch God work.
- To learn
Many of these lessons I am still learning but this experience has changed me. I don’t know how God is going to use what we have gone through but I know it was not for us alone. Waiting expectantly.
Five months ago tonight, March 27, my husband flat-lined.
Five months ago tonight I faced the loss of my best friend and love.
Five months ago tonight I prayed if it is his time take him or heal him. I don’t want him to suffer.
Five months ago tonight I spent the night in emergency.
Five months ago tonight I began a painful, terrifying, horrific, rewarding journey.
Five months ago tonight I began to learn to trust what God said rather than what I saw.
Five months ago tonight I believe God answered my prayer by breathing life into Carl.
The scripture that came to me was Psalm 91 and therein I believed lay my promise.
Psalm 91:14-16 (ESV)
14 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name.
15 When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
Here we are five months later and he is back in the hospital but things are so very different.
God is still fulfilling that promise in very interesting ways.
God is Masterfully orchestrating our lives.
Pam B. Newberry, nominated me for the Versatal Blogging Award. I thanked Pam but I didn’t complete the other requirements. I was consumed with my husband’s hospital adventures. So here are the rules and the 10 bloggers that I recommend.
Here are the rules of the Versatile Blogging Award:
- Thank and link to the blogger who nominated you.
- Share ten random facts about yourself.
- Nominate ten more bloggers who are fairly new to blogging.
Here are ten random facts about me!
- I hate to cook so my kitchen is called my nutrition based chemistry lab.
- I am too random to label.
- Driving at night (long distance) is relaxing
- Dabble in poetry
- Enjoy dramatic TV
- Very private which makes doing this so hard
- Forest green, persimmon or purple make me warm and fuzzy
- Vegetarianism is beginning to look quite appealing
- Love different music genres
- Think I have a style sense but I think I misplaced it.
Versatile bloggers I nominate are:
- Cooking without Limits
- Grubbs n Critters
Discover the richness of these bloggers thoughts for yourself. My randomness might bias your opinion. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Some are very new tome and others have followed for a few months.
Sometimes you just need to refocus. Being really scared can cause you to do that.
Carl awakened in pain from the neuropathy in his legs. Then I realized he was perspiring like a running water faucet and cold to the touch at the same time. This is usually an indication that his blood pressure has dropped too low. I put pillows under his legs to raise them. He asked for a wet wash cloth to wipe his face and neck. That was good. He was conscious and communicating. He wanted to be on his side, then his stomach and then his back all in a matter of minutes. Then he told me he was dizzy and nauseous and thought he might vomit. I went to get a container for that and he began to dry heave. I was SCARED. I asked him if I should call 911. He said he didn’t know and then I got a feeling that I should wait. I called out to God and reminded Him of the promise he gave me in Psalm 91. One of which was when I called out that He would answer. Carl began to settle down but still had pains in his leg and nausea. I continued to pray and then I felt God instructing me to read Mark 4. I began to read and wondered why He pointed me to the parable of the sower. I continued to read. Next came the account of the disciples being afraid that they would drown in the storm. After Jesus calmed the storm He said to them,
Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?
That was it. That is why I had to read Mark 4. Throughout this whole ordeal, our storm, I have been learning to put my trust in what God said and not the circumstances that I see. I guess I got so comfortable in where I was that I didn’t realize I was slipping back into trusting what I saw. So the Father had to SCARE me back to FAITH; Faith in Him and what He said He would do. I have been refocused. Focused on what God promised rather than what I see happening in the healing process.
By the way, there are good things happening. The doctor’s have removed a very toxic drug called Amioderone. The side affects can cause extremely life threatening damage. It is the major contributor to the neuropathy. Since its removal, Carl is getting stronger and is standing with very little assistance. I am optimistic that he may be trying to walk by next week if not sooner. He said he feels like he is coming out of the mental fog. All these positives are the reasons I was so scared this morning.
So I say to you don’t lose focus. Keep your eyes on the promise that God has given you no matter what else may be happening. God’s course correction is not fun. Don’t give Him cause to Scare you back to Faith.
This post was written earlier but it an integral part of the journey, so rather than update it timewise, I decided to post it as is. I will follow with an update to some things mentioned.
It has been a very educationally journey that I and my family have been on since my husband’s heart attack in March. He finally came home from rehabilitation on Friday. He has improved so much but we still have a ways to go to reach complete restoration. Several things have come to my attention that will be included in this next phase. I discovered Dr. Steven Masley’ 30-day Heart Tune-Up. This is an eating plan which focuses on heart strengthening. I have also discovered or at least it has been confirmed that we should really pay attention to the drugs that are being prescribed for us and our loved ones.
The Tune Up
We began the 30 day journey on Saturday August 1. I had to make some adjustments because we do not eat chicken, beef or pork. Today the Chicken Stir Fry was made with tofu. The dish was quite tasty. Just in these two days I feel better. I have also noticed the pain from my husband’s neuropathy has decreased. I will be watching that because I was told neuropathy cannot be cured and that nerve regeneration was not possible. This side effect to the eating plan is welcomed but the jury is still out on the lasting effectiveness.
I will be making appointments to visit Carl’s doctors on Monday. Our discussions will center around the drug Amioderone and Warfarin initially. Amioderone has some very serious side affects that are counterproductive to his healing. Waffarin is rat poison. Need I say more?