I just can’t see My Leftovers

It is so easy to fall back into bad habits and worry. I have a mountainous list of things to do in a short period of time. “I just can’t see how” it will all get done. There is a financial component that “I just can’t see how” I will get it paid on time. The problem here is not how it will get done or the cost. The problem is “I just can’t see.” My answer to my real problem popped up in my bible study this morning.

Mark 8:18-21. My paraphrase

Y’shua (Jesus) said to his disciples, “Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees.” They thought he was talking about bread. They forgot to get some for the trip. Y’shua knowing this asked them, when he fed the 4000 and the 5000 what happened? He reminded them that not only did he supply the need but there was an abundance of leftovers. The unspoken questions, I believe, are why would I be warning you about the Pharisees’ bread. Even more so, why are you worrying about not bringing any. Don’t you yet know, I will supply the need?

That was the message to me. With all that I have done for you, especially in the last year and half, all the miracles you have experienced, all the needs met, why are you worried about all you have to get done and how much it will cost? Don’t you yet understand WHO your supplier is? I have supplied your need and you have had an abundance of leftovers. 

Do YOU need to be reminded of your leftovers? Are you worrying about things you know full well Y’shua has the authority to handle? STOP.

We have an abundance of leftovers.


My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts. I went to bed last night hurt and angry about the continued killings of black men. I watched the videos to make my own assessment and I found no justification for shooting Alton Sterling multiple times in the chest. He was already subdued. Philando Castile did not appear to pose a threat, yet he was shot with his child in the back seat. I felt like I was back in the Jim Crow south where lynchings could happen just because …. Then there was the white kid lying on the ground and then was shot. Why?

I awaken this morning to the information that a peaceful protest turned violent because someone decided to take their anger out by shooting several policemen. There was no reason for that anymore than there was for shooting those men.

America what are we becoming? We might as well be in Afghanistan or Syria. We worry about ISIS but it is us who are destroying this country. We are terrorizing ourselves. If they just wait a little while we will self destruct and they won’t have to do anything. We cannot continue like this.

Ignorance opens the door for Fear. Fear makes it easy to Hate. Hatred breeds Hatred.

Let’s try reasoning with each other.

Let’s try understanding each other.

Let’s try not repeating the negative past.

Let’s try living out what we say we believe as a nation.

Let’s admit we have a systemic problem. The rest of the world already knows it.

Let’s try loving each other even when we disagree.

Let’s stop killing each other.

My heart hurts for us.


Involuntary Muscle Moments

Have you ever experienced an involuntary muscle moment? What is that? We have muscles that function continually without us giving them any thought. In fact we take them for granted. We expect our brain, heart, lungs, liver, pancreas, and kidneys to function. We freak out when they don’t.

I have been going through my daily activities at an almost primal instinct level.  Just what’s necessary for us to survive. My creative thoughts have been scattered and unclear. My desire to experiment in my lab (kitchen) has been high but my physical will has been almost non-existent. Biblical research became an effort rather than enjoyable. My sofa became home, at least that’s where I wanted to be. So what has changed?

REST. SLEEP. REST and Floridix. a plant based liquid iron supplement.

Fatigue finally took control. Additionally, I had become quite anemic. I went to bed each night but rarely got “restful” sleep. I have spent several afternoons taking naps. I am on my way back to MY normal. My brain is actually having ideas. Yesterday, I went back into the lab. Amazing what a little rest can do. Next I think I will try the other R. Relaxation. Real relaxation. For me, that is resting while I am awake.

I am moving back into Voluntary Muscle Moments. Moments that require thought; inspire thought; creative thought; living thought.

Hooray for Rest and Floridix.

P.S. I know God had me but my condition was caused by a lack of rest. He placed that in my responsibility bucket. So it is my responsibility to take the rest that he told me to.

Peanut Oil?

A few weeks ago a friend who is in the psychology field told me she had gone to a workshop where they were told peanut oil was bad for brain health. In doing my research I have found study after study that says it does benefit the brain and entire nervous system.

What have you students of foods and oils found?

Does peanut oil hinder or aid good brain health?

Since October

Many of you followed my postings last year regarding our journey through my husband’s life scare. I don’t know if I thanked you, so Thank you for your support. I have learned that 2015 was a horrific year for a great many people. I pray that it was a time of spiritual growth for you as it was for us.

To recap

  1. Massive heart attack on March 27, 2015
  2. Stopped breathing and needed electrical shock 3 times before conversion
  3. Months of hospitalization and rehabilitation care centers followed.

During those rehabilitation stays he struggled to regain the use of his legs. So what has happened since the first rehab stay.

  1. He was taken off Mexilitine.He was given that drug to counteract the worst, Amiodarone. Amiodarone was not his friend. It caused severe blood pressure drops and may have been the cause of some of the tachycardia events, however, I can’t prove it. It took awhile but it was finally replaced with a less toxic drug o September 28.  I had to fight but was successful.
  2. We changed cardiologist and that was a great blessing.
  3. He decided to stop taking Atorvastatin and the Qvar. He decided to control his cholesterol with his diet and he said he could breath fine without that inhaler.
  4. Oh, he lost almost 100 lbs over the 10 month period.

Since October

  1. After his last Ventricular tachycardia episode on September 27, a pacemaker/defibrillator was implanted on October 1.
  2. He came home on October 6th using a wheelchair. He had a few attempts with a walker. He has gone from wheelchair to walker to cane. He still needs the walker for long distances but for someone who was not believed to live and then not ever to walk this is awesome.
  3. His memory is improving but his meds are creating some interference. He is overcoming.
  4. We have learned so much about our power and authority when dealing with the medical community. We are empowered and plan to share that knowledge.
  5. We have learned how to eat even better with targeted focus for health reasons, heart and brain.

God planned and provided the best foods for our health,

the slave master changed our diet to the worst because it wasn’t what we ate n Africa,

and now we choose to continue to eat what sickens and is designed to kill us.

Please let’s help each other leave the plantation.

We can make soul food healthy.

Thank you for praying for us and supporting us. We thank you for your continued prayers and support.

In His Love


We Bought the Big Lie

(Note: I wrote this last year before the establishment of the Black Lives Matter Movement. My questions still remain.)

Because it is Black History Month, there are more posts on Facebook sharing our history. We were involved with the advancement of many different industries. We were involved with many different activist’s agendas. But of them all, education was the primary focus. Our people realized education was our key to real freedom.

The first thing taken was education about ourselves. It was unsafe to talk about our African family roots. Many of our ancestors wanted to disassociate themselves from Africa. The focus was getting educated in this new system, new world. Survival was most important. At some point we were made to believe education of any kind was not cool. More black kids dropped out. How did this happen? First the school system doesn’t fulfill the learning style needs of the majority of blacks,  men especially. We, they are not stupid nor do they have learning challenges. it has been shown that they are usually tactile, visual or kinesthetic learners. Our public school system does not cater to those styles. When they did there were fewer drop outs. Suddenly, music and art were removed. Out of the box science experiments were not encouraged. Students of color (euphemism for black) were told to follow a menial career path. You’d make a good janitor some were told. Don’t aspire to be an inventor or something that requires brain power. Somewhere along the way we believed the lie. We once again were only good enough for the most subservient jobs. We allowed ourselves in our anger to miss needed education or skill development to do what we really wanted. We bought the lie. Now we as a people are discouraged, defeated and slave material, again. (Now, it’s called prison)

We bought another lie. Some of us believe because we are educated and have good careers, live in nice neighborhoods and seemed to be accepted, we have different rules than those other blacks. News flash. You are black. The bottom line that is all some people see.You have a greater responsibility than you realize. You have the means and ability to help solve some of these problems. But you think the problems don’t affect you until you realize that store personnel that seem to be so attentive are following you just like they would those other blacks. The cops will stop you in your fancy car. Clearly you stole it. You are black. You bought the lie.

How do we change this? How do we change our thinking and our kids thinking? How do we destroy the prison pipeline en masse? There are groups working hard to do it but we need a national campaign. Something to reach across the nation like Ferguson. Any ideas?

I Lost Myself

I lost myself

Where did I go?

I lost myself.

So busy being strong

I LOST myself.

What did I do wrong?

I see me lurking

Out of the corner of my eyes.

My face so sad

Wanting to be vibrant again.

Wanting to be free to

Enjoy hobbies, ocean waves,

Beach walks, mountain hikes,

Or a day on the sewing machine.

I lost MY SELF.

I see me but

I seem so out of reach.

How do I discover me


Has My Step Been Re-Sprung?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Re-springing Your Step.”

I read the prompt and wondered what has happened to me recently that would have me rejuvenated. I realized that the answer was a lot of little thins for temporary changes but nothing lasting. That revelation was very disheartening. How can I motivate others when I am fatigued? I can’t successfully because they can see something is not 100% with me.

I have had taken a day here and a day there to rest physically. It helped to some extent I am sure. I can go on.  I awaken this morning feeling stressed out with the list of things I need to do NOW. The only solution I see is to make my list, prioritize and work the list.

Maybe then my step will get sprung. Physical rest is nothing without mental rest.

I Remember That Night

Yesterday, I felt the lonliness and foreboding reflected in hsteinhayer101’s post  This Is Really Bad.  The story was told so well that I felt I was there. The “not knowing what to do” and the danger of making the wrong choice touched me. Her situation was far more serious and intense but her words took me back to my front porch over 30 years ago. My world was dark and lonely. It should have been one of the happiest times of my life. I had a newborn son, a wonderful husband and a helpful daughter. Nevertheless, my world was dark and lonely. The one overshadowing thing about depression is feeling all alone. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was suffering from Postpartum Depression. I just knew I wanted to end my life because for some reason I thought my family would be better off without me.

hsteinhayer101’s decision was choosing the correct place to sit. My decision was which direction to run that would guarantee getting far away to kill myself or be killed. I lived near two very busy streets that had a lot of traffic. A woman walking down the street in a thin nightgown would draw attention. It sounds silly now but that night I would have appeared to be a runaway from a mental asylum and the police would have picked me up. My husband found me and held me. I didn’t even know how to accept that at first. I felt he had spoiled my plans. When you are depressed and in that deep. dark place all you see is how good ending it all would be.

So many of us suffer from mental dis-ease and don’t realize it. We don’t consider depression from job loss or grief from a death mental dis-ease but it is. It may not last long or be as intense as others that cause them to seek escape in drugs or the control from another person.

I thank my husband and my Lord for bringing me through that time. The shadows of depression still linger just on the outskirts of my consciousness but I recognize it. It will not conquer me.